You Are A CRIMINAL!
by ariathal2410
Summary: What's a poor Superhero to do when his Supervillain nemesis thinks they're best friends, AND seems to be trying to further their relationship? Inspired by an exchange on Tumblr started by swingsetindecember. Poker Pair, CRACK, AU


**WARNINGS:** boy x boy, CRACK, probably OOC

 _Disclaimer_ : does not own _anything_

 **AN:** I would link back to the original post but I found it on Pinterest, and my internet is being an absolute shit so I'm not looking for it manually. Here's _a_ link to a picture of it so you can see it if interested: s-media-cache-ak0. pinimg originals/ 38/ ca/ 87/ 38ca87b1746a209a7753b37e64a36704. png (just take out the spaces). Allen's 19 btw.

* * *

Allen wanted to facepalm. Or scream. Both would be appropriate for his current situation. Tyki Mikk, criminal extraordinaire, was chattering away while trying to get out of the makeshift handcuffs Allen had slapped on him. Said teen was currently waiting for the police to arrive so they could arrest the man. Again.

"…and they're having a food expo next week – I know how much you like food – so we should totally go and make a day of it –"

"Tyki," Allen interrupted aggressively. "We are not friends. You are a criminal, and I am _arresting you_."

"But I already got us tickets." The man protested sulkily, still working on the handcuffs.

"Did you _steal_ them?" The teen asked testily. Tyki didn't answer straight away.

"It's really the prices that are the crime. Honestly, tickets these days are so pricey, and I know you can't pay that much…" He started to ramble again, and Allen almost groaned. He settled for rolling his eyes passionately. Where were those police?

"We. Are. Not. _Friends_." Allen reiterated slowly, sending the man a pointed look. "You. Are. A. _Criminal_. You tried to rob a bank." _Again_.

"Just because we come from different walks of life, doesn't mean we can't be friends." Tyki said imperiously. Allen huffed out an aggravated sigh, finally hearing sirens in the distance. Tyki made a miffed sort of sound and doubled his efforts. Though it was to no avail. Allen knew how to tie a knot, and also had the handy knowledge of what Tyki could and could _not_ phase through.

* * *

It was a few weeks later when Tyki struck again. No matter how many times Allen caught the man, the charges never seemed to stick. Mainly because the police could never figure out how the hell he got in there (even though Allen _told them_ ), and they couldn't really prove anything since the man never left evidence behind. Allen had caught the man red-handed, time and time again, and yet he was never in jail for long. As it was, the man was trying to rob another bank, going straight for the vault and safe deposit boxes.

"Allen!" Tyki cried happily when he saw the teen, holding up a cardboard cup and a baggie. "I got you a latte. And a muffin."

"What?" The teen blurted in confusion, balking for a moment before protesting. "Who brings a latte to a heist? And neither of those have either of our names on them!"

"I thought you'd be peckish from all the running around you do, the latte's to wash it down. Stopping criminals is a rough gig." He said, nodding sympathetically and completely ignoring the second point.

"You are committing a crime, _right now_." Allen pointed out testily, crossing his arms over his chest and pinning the man with a pointed look. Tyki perked up.

"Oh! Speaking of, I have a necklace for you." He exclaimed suddenly, digging a box out of his pocket. He pulled out a simple silver necklace, a light blue, teardrop shaped gem encased in delicate spirals of metal hanging from the base.

"You _literally_ just stole that." Allen deadpanned, though he had to admit it was beautiful.

"It's really pretty! I thought it would suit you. It brings out the blue in your eyes." Tyki explained, an almost dreamy tone in his voice as he held it out. Allen bristled slightly, a light blush appearing on his cheeks.

"Put it back."

"But it's your birthday present!"

"Oh my god… We aren't _friends_ , Tyki! You are my _nemesis_."

"Is this because I didn't come to your Poker Night? Because I was in jail. You know I would've come otherwise."

"I know you were in jail, I _put you there_. Plus, you weren't invited."

"That's why I friended you on Facebook, so you can invite me next time." Allen blinked, whipping out his phone immediately and staring at the screen. It was true. Tyki was somehow in his friends list. And wait…

"Did you friend my _father_." He said incredulously, staring at his phone in disbelief.

"Oh, yeah, that was ages ago. We're going to the mall next week." Tyki said dismissively, like it was no big deal. Allen gaped, spluttered and then glared.

" _What_?! Do _not_ make my father an accessory to a crime, Tyki Mikk!" He demanded angrily. Tyki rolled his eyes.

"We'll be fine, he's not going to get caught with me." He said confidently, like he wasn't in _jail_ every other weekend.

"You get caught _all the time_." Allen huffed exasperatedly.

"Yeah, by _you_. So, if you leave us alone, we'll be fine." He pointed out, smiling crookedly. Until Allen tackled him to the floor and cuffed him. _Again_.

* * *

Allen wanted to scream. It was _not_ fine. Not. At. _All_. Tyki had gotten off scot-free, as usual, and had taken Mana to the mall, as promised. Not even an _hour_ after they had left, Allen was getting a call to the police station to post bail. For _both of them._ He tapped his foot impatiently as he waited, trying to quell the list of things he wanted to go on a tirade about. The doors opened and only one thing seemed to pop out.

"Why am I listed as one of your emergency contacts?" Allen snapped as Tyki crossed the threshold, followed closely by Allen's father. Who was smiling happily, like he wasn't currently in a police station for a _felony_.

"You're the only one who knows about my "allergies". And you have the only spare key to my apartment, which I may or may not need…" He explained, giving a sheepish smile and rubbing the back of his head. Allen stared. Mana gasped.

" _Allen_ , you didn't tell me it was this serious!" He exclaimed excitedly. Allen spluttered, face exploding.

"I fed his _cat! Once_. And only because he was in jail!" Allen protested quickly. He did _not_ want his father thinking he was in a relationship with a _criminal._

"You're the only one Joyd likes." Tyki shrugged unconcernedly. "Besides me of course. He's very particular."

"Aww, you two are so cute together…" Mana cooed happily.

"He's a _criminal._ " Allen said disbelievingly, crossing his arms uncomfortably.

"Now, love, it wouldn't be the first time there was a criminal in the family. Your grandfather's practically a serial killer." Mana said, waving his hand dismissively. Tyki perked up.

"Mana, now is it not the time to discuss your raging father issues." Mana pouted, but Tyki shushed the teen.

"Wait! I want to hear more about this, I might know him." He said excitedly, encouraging Mana to continue. The man opened his mouth, but Allen had heard this epic rant a million times before, so he quickly cut in.

" _No_." They both deflated slightly, but Mana perked up quickly. Eyeing Allen mischievously. Oh, he had such a bad feeling about this…

"So… Tell me how serious it is…" He chirped, and Allen couldn't help tipping his head back and groaning. Tyki was more than happy to answer for him though.

"We did kiss that one time…" He said happily, a goofy grin splitting his face. Allen made a choking noise and spluttered slightly as Mana squealed almost soundlessly.

"I was saving your _life_." Allen eventually spat out indignantly. Mana gasped, hand hovering over his mouth.

"You didn't tell me it was true love!" He exclaimed delightedly.

"What?! _No_. He _drowned,_ I was performing CPR!" Allen shouted, flailing slightly. Why did his father have to be such a _romantic_?

"We shared a bed too." Tyki pointed out breezily, a falsely sweet smile on his lips.

"It was _below freezing_ , both our clothes were drenched and you refused to pay for a room of your own. It was _practical_." Allen protested, wilfully ignoring the fact that he had snuggled up quite happily.

"Was it practical to let me cook breakfast for you? And for us to shower together?" The man asked teasingly. Allen blushed furiously. Mana was _bouncing_ and looked just about ready to adopt the man.

"Y-you _offered_ , and we had to save hot water…" The teen spluttered, crossing his arms defiantly and studiously looking away.

"You let me wash your back." Tyki countered immediately. Mana squealed, Allen's face was on _fire_. The cop that everyone had forgotten about cleared her throat, a smirk playing on her lips.

"Sirs, you're free to go. Feel free to call us if this relationship develops." She said cheekily. Allen made a noise akin to a dying animal. Mana grinned, and Tyki practically jumped on the poor teen, draping himself over his shoulders and resting his chin on the teen's head.

"We will." They both chirped. Allen really wanted to scream…

 **~ END ~**

* * *

 **AN:** Lol, I had a bit of fun with this. Hope you enjoyed!

 **Omake:** _Is Murder_ Really _a Crime?_

Allen looked just about ready to commit first degree murder. Road was draped over his shoulders, chattering away, Mana was happily reading a brochure Tyki had most likely filched, and _Tyki_ kept on trying to hold his hand. Oh, and they were at an amusement park. With stolen tickets. Allen grit his teeth as Tyki suggested a haunted house, cosying up to him in the process with an "innocent" smile. He agreed, only because Mana seemed to light up at the idea.

Road screamed when the first monster popped out, squeezing Allen's neck almost painfully. Mana clung to his side the entire time, eyes wide, muttering about costumes and special effects. Tyki chuckled darkly, and started trying to scare the _monsters,_ claiming that they were boring (only _after_ he discovered that Allen was rather nonplussed about the whole thing). Their day continued as such, with Tyki trying his best to scare or impress the teen to get closer to him, and Allen's temper was edging closer and closer to breaking point.

"Allen," Tyki called, grabbing the teen's hand with a wide smile on his face. "Let's go on the Ferris Wheel~"

Allen's fingers twitched.


End file.
